Sunday, November 25, 2012

Confession Number 102: I Struggled

As a lot of you know, our family is about to grow by two more little feet.  Matthews Baby Number Three, or Charli, as Kennedy's calls it, is due sometime in May.  We are excited and nervous and a tinsy bit scared, but oh, so happy!  I mean who isn't happy when you aren't sick, your bump is tiny and cute and your boobs are getting bigger by the day!! 

Baby "Charli" at 13 weeks

We are enjoying day dreaming about boy and girl names, nursery themes and living through the occasional "how the heck are we going to do this?!?".  I have to say, it took me awhile to get there, though.  I struggled with the acceptance of this pregnancy...a lot.   After I did the whole psychoanalysis on myself (oh the joys of being a counselor), I realized my struggles were growing roots right in the evil of simple fear.  None of those fears, however, were that I didn't think we could handle three kids under the age of six.  Although, now that I've typed that......sheesh!!!!  I could control that.  I could change the way our family runs and incorporate a third little one with just a little hard work.  No, my fears were centered on things I couldn't control and those of you who know me personally know I'm kinda sorta, in a big way, a control freak.

 We hadn't necessarily planned this pregnancy.  That was another sticking point with me.  I thought God and I were on the same page.  I thought we understood where the other stood.  A third baby was going to be great.  In another year or so AND not due during testing at school.  Humph.  I guess God showed me just how much my opinion counted.  :)  Surprises are often the best gifts.  I was a surprise.  And I'm a dang good gift!!!  I came around to God's way of thinking rather quickly. 

The other fears?  It took me a little longer to get to the place where I knew I needed to be the entire time.  Two major fears plagued the first few weeks of this pregnancy.  The first was, this baby was conceived right around the time I broke my nose.  That means that very early on this baby could have been exposed to anesthesia, morphine, antibiotics and tons of other drugs.  The second fear is what I like to call the "Cole Factor".  To say that my pregnancy with Cole was complicated is an understatement.  If you are new to these parts, you can catch yourself up by reading the story here, here and here.  The story ends with a very healthy, almost 9 pound baby boy being born at 37 weeks, but getting there was a trial, to say the least.  During that ordeal, God covered me with a peace.  A peace of knowing He was in total control.  Not me.  I have to say, that peace returned about a month ago.  God has plans for us.  For this little life in my belly.  He says in Jeremiah 29:11,

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
So, here I am, living in God's plan and I'm hoping to find time to share it with you here more.  I don't have many stories or pictures from either of my other pregnancies, so I hope to change that this time around.  I hope you'll join me in reading and in praying for "Charli's" health.